I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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