I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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