I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize