I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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