how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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