the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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