he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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