I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I still have a little drunk in my system
Randomize