question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
