Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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