Will you blow on my dice?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
