she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
