Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
