no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize