Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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