Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
