piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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