White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
