i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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