i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Pooping to opera.
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