Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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