party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
