Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
ok first of all what the fuck
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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