I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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