i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I am never drinking with the goths again.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
