I wish my penis had an off switch
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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