The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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