Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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