dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
