Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
