you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
