she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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