Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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