My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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