im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
