If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Barsexuality is the new black.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
