So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
