My friends, they love my intelligence
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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