Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's always time for handjobs
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
