So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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