$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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