yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
