i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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