My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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