I feel great
I just peed on a car
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Sober January is a disaster.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
