Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
