His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
