I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
