woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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