I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
