It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
