Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
