After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
