i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
