matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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