??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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