No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
