I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
