the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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