please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
