Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
