Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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