Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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